Thoughts ...

Just a warning ... this is NOT about what has been happening in my life lately. Mostly because nothing is happen but also because I have a few things that have been weighing heavily on me lately ... you've been warned!

So, I've decided that I'm probably not going to get married and strongly believe there is a good chance I will be alone forever. And, no, this isn't a pity party - listen to what I have to say! As we all know, I am a fairly independent woman. And I love that! But I think in my years of becoming independent, I've made myself believe that I don't NEED anyone and when I find myself needing someone else, I get mad at myself for not being able to do it on my own and distance myself.

I don't mind accepting help but it has to be on my own terms and even then I can get attitude about it. Yet I always seem to want to jump in and help others with their problems, whether I'm asked or not. hmmm, not right, right?! I think this, among other things, stops me from opening up to men thus stopping the relationship from growing. Especially since the men that I am mostly attracted to are athletes, Alpha males, etc. ... you can't have 2 Alpha dogs in one relationship, can you!?

But then when I do open up I get overly emotional and start to cry. And I am seriously convinced that dudes don't know what to do when girls cry. I honestly think they can't handle it and just shut down by either saying stupid shit or laughing or leaving the situation. While I've said in recent months with everyone and their freaking brother getting married and popping out kids that I don't want that right now (and I sure as hell do NOT!), I think I want the beginning stages of that. I would love to be in a committed relationship and have someone to share my life with. Yes, I have friends but I feel like being in a committed relationship kind of obligates the other person to care whereas friendships has a lil bit less of obligation because everyone has multiple friends but only one significant other (in a perfect world).

Ugh, I gotta work on this ... I can barely put it into words yet I need to work on it. oh boy ...
I just hope I don't end up alone forever :/

Next time ... friends, growing up, and life!

Smooches.
S