I've gone blind

Why can’t I see what’s in front of me? Why can’t I see that there are some things that are just NOT worth saving? In some ways, I’m a hoarder. I have a lot of shit … physical, emotional, technical – lots and lots of things that I just don’t really have a need for anymore.

The one thing that I can’t seem to get rid of that bothers me is the dead weight of friendships that are dead. Old magazines, shoes, purses, bank statements take up physical space; for me, this is not a problem right now. I have a cousin-sister and parents who love keeping all my crap in their garage and basement and “my” bedroom. What I don’t have the space for is emotions for friendships that can NOT be saved!

It happened after high school, after undergrad, and now it’s happening post-grad. I coped okay after high school, didn’t really LOSE friends, more of changing friendships. After undergrad, I didn’t really realize it was happening. I didn’t think they were lost so I didn’t do that much to keep them. I realize now I should have tried harder but ya live ya learn, right?!

This post-grad thing is what’s really getting me. These are people that I saw in my wedding, helping me raise my kids, planning “Ladies Only Trips” with, and growing old together. These are people who I thought would always play a big role in my life … we’ve been through a lot and now I don’t know anything about their lives. It makes me sad.

But it also pisses me off. It pisses me off because I feel like I held our relationship in higher regard than you. I feel like you don’t care enough to put in the time and energy to work on our friendship. And that’s the point that I stop caring, right? NOPE! I should but I guess I’m some sort of sentimentalist … ugh! I wish I could just stop remembering the fun times and move on. But for whatever reason, I can’t! My great friends who DO put in the work, tell me that these people don’t deserve me. And I know that, I really do. But, I get used to having people in my life and don’t want to let it go.

Yep, people change, life changes people and things can’t always stay the same. And I definitely hate change but this is more than change. This is excuses, this is laziness, this is LAME. There’s nothing really for me to do, other than move on I can’t help holding on. I know I’m holding on to memories and nothing concrete but I can’t help it. Mostly, I miss my friends. I miss our memories. I miss my dreams of creating more memories.