Counting My Blessings

I was given a homework assignment this week in church (I think it was the first time, I actually welcomed homework!) to count my blessings, praise God, and then consider my generosity level towards God.
So, here's a stab at COUNT MY BLESSINGS:

• My family, who continue to support me through this crazy phase in my life
• I keep waking up ... God continues to waking me up on a daily basis. Nothing is guaranteed but I continue to wake up to see the sun shine!
  
• I have a job. It's not one that I want but with the economy the way it is, I'm thankful.
• I have a roof over my head, food to eat, and clothes on my back (nothing really updated since I'm on a very strict budget but still clothes!)
• My friends ... I have the craziest, funniest, bestest, most caring, most loving, fun to be around friends on the face of this planet. God allows us to get together when we can (it's not enough but I take what I can get) and God has brought me some beautiful friends down in Atlanta.
• My church ... I spent the better part of my life trying to avoid doing homework, yet here I am DOING HOMEWORK, what more is there to say? I go to church every single week and feel like the message is being spoken to ME, I feel like God is speaking to ME. Now THAT'S something special!
• I'm doing what I love and making contacts ... almost every week at church and very often with a PR/Events company. That just means positive things are coming for me...

That's a pretty good list of things to be thankful for. Now, I'm going to praise God because He continues to bless me, because He continues to believe in ME, and because He thinks I'm awesome. And if God thinks I'm awesome, who am I to not believe Him?!?!?!?

Smooches,
S

I was BORN to do this!

Sports are a big part of my life ... if you know ANYTHING about me, you certainly know this! A phrase that is thrown around a lot is "I was born to do this" and at the professional level, it is evident. As much as I hate him, Brett Favre was born to play football; that is his calling and he is GREAT at it (he could use some help in the respecting of the game but that's a different topic for a different blog). Even at the college level, some of my bestest friends believed they were born to play the game of basketball.

I never had that calling. My calling is in event planning, management, and execution. I was born to do it. Just like Rocko needed to shoot hoops every single day, I need to be planning SOMETHING on a daily basis. It's not just something I enjoy doing (but I DO enjoy doing it) ... I have to do it. I am a much happier person when I am doing it. I'm happy on Sundays not just because I'm spending time with my church and God but also because I'm usually producing service. Some of the few times I'm happy at the BRU is when I'm playing with the babies AND when I'm getting ready for their "events". Yes, I use " " because THEY call them events but they are a joke. BUT, I still get to "plan" them and I still get to enjoy planning them :)

I like being busy ... people doing events are busy. I like making lists and crossing things off my list. Event planners are outspoken and do what they have to do to get what their client needs (if that doesn't describe me to a T, I'm not sure what does!!!).

Some people were born to play football. Some people were born to be moms. Some people were born to teach (and thank God for them!). Some people were born to fix electronics (and really, THANK GOD for them!!!). I was born to plan, manage, and execute events. Watch out world!!!

Smooches,
S

I got your back...

We were high
We were low
But I promise I will never let you go
Said I got I got I got I got your back boy
I got I got I got I got your back boy
(I know you got my back right)
Keep my swagger
Keep it looking good for ya
Keep it looking hood for ya
Shawty if you don't know
I got I got I got I got your back boy
I got I got I got I got your back boy

I love quotes ... I'm a quotes junkie. I hear a good quote and I whip out my phone to type it out so I don't forget it and can use it later. I'm all about the face value of the quote and then the deeeeeeeeper meaning of it. While TI and I are in a rather large fight about his actions lately (idiot!), I have a great love for this song and what the basis of the lyrics are all about. Yep, it's based on a relationship between a man and woman but the chorus can be read about any kind of relationship/friendship anything...

And anyone who knows me, who has gone thru ANYTHING of worth with me, knows that this is true. I will go to bat for you .... what more do you want? Is that enough? When will I find that person to go to bat for ME?

We are FAMILY!!!!

So I sometimes take for granted that I have a great family ... well maybe not take for granted but forget that everyone doesn't have as great of a family as I do. I have a mom and dad who support me no matter what and love me unconditionally. I have 3 great sisters who laugh with me, drive me crazy, and provide me with so much strength and energy it's amazing. I have a niece who thinks the world of me and bring a smile to my face just thinking about her. Grandparents who have always provided for me and given me great memories, plus aunts, uncles, and cousins who are more like moms, dads, and sisters & brothers!

Most of my fondest (what a weird word, right?) memories from childhood center around my family ... which is so weird because all I remember from being a kid is wanting to hang out with my friends. But the best times I can remember are Memorial Day parties, summers in San Diego with my grandparents, sister, and cousin (at Sea World, because I OBV wanted to be a marine biologist!), family reunions, and Christmas time.

Now, I live and die for the family time! I love living in Atlanta but HATE HATE HATE being so far away from my family. I got spoiled living in Connecticut ... I got to experience a lot of firsts with my niece, babysit my cousins on weekends, have impromptu cousin weekends on a moments notice, and attend birthday parties for my nieces and cousins. Now, everything revolves around phone calls, mailings, and planning, planning, planning, and more planning. Oh yea, and more money :(

With all that being said, I make family time a priority and savor the moments I get to spend with them. When it comes down to choosing between a weekend in town hanging with friends or a quick trip to CT to see the fam, guess where I'll be (money willing, of course). My babies will only be babies once and I want to experience as much of their childhood as I can.

I also want to spend time with my parents, aunts and uncles, grandparents so that I can, not only learn about my ancestors, but also make great memories that I can someday tell my child and grandchildren (God-willing, of course). I want to make memories with my cousins so we can continue to develop our relationships so that they can last for generations like our parents and grandparent's have.

Family is important ... it took me awhile to get to that realization but now that I'm here, I'm not letting go of it. I'm living in a naive little world where everyone has perfect little families - I know I'm lucky to have such a great family and I thank God for it every day. But whatever family you have - traditional, unconventional, made-up, etc. - cherish them, nourish them, and most of all, love them. Because, for better or worse, they are yours :)

Smooches,
S

... Break my heart

There's another side to this story but I'm done thinking about this and worrying about this. I have a lot of beautiful people who WANT to be a part of my life and am done worrying about the people who don't. Some people say I have a big heart... Some people say I can be a huge bitch... Others say I'm loud and talkative...

Whatever you think of me, I'm ME. Take it or leave it ... I. AM. ME.

Who are you?

Sticks and Stones...

Everyone knows that old, childhood adage "sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me", right? Well, it's a lie!!! And do you want to know the most hurtful words?!!? "I don't care" ... 9 lil letters took the WIND out of me like I had been thru 10 rounds in the ring with a world champ!

As I get older (and wiser, hopefully), I am struggling with friendships that are changing and morphing into different things. One that has been particularly upsetting came to a gut wrenching conclusion this weekend with those 3 little words. Someone not caring is worse than someone hating you because hate is an emotion that is felt while not caring is just "whatever." You know that someone is thinking about you, putting energy into you, etc. when they hate you; when they don't care ... that's tricky.

I've been "fighting" with this friend for the past 8 months. I've been going back and forth about wanting to just end it because, it hurts more than it's fun :( Back in April, I heard a quote "You can't fight with someone who want to get in the ring with you" ..... this rings even more true after hearing "I don't care."

It hit me last night, when I heard the words and saw the look on his/her face ... I have been fighting with myself for the past 8 months. S/he hasn't wanted to get in the ring with me. I don't know when this friendship exactly ended but what I do know is that it's probably over now. and for good :(

Me, being the person I am, wants to talk about it, face to face to figure out what could have caused a nearly 8 year friendship to go down the tubes without me even knowing. ESPECIALLY after all that we have been through ....

But me knowing her/him, knows that won't happen and it this will probably be the end. Who knows the rules for dying friendships? What are the rules for mutual friends? There's lots of breakup rules for significant others, but I haven't heard of anything regarding best friends, close friends, etc.

Come back for tomorrow for the other side of this very complicated issue :/

The Value of a Good Hug......

I LOVE hugs!!! I seriously, more than a little, LOVE hugs! During my short time (relative, of course) in Atlanta, I have experienced a lot less hugs and I am NOT a fan of it. AT ALL! Obviously the decrease in close friends and family lead to this, but c'mon people ... let's hug it out!!!

I am starting to notice a disturbing trend here in Atlanta but what people don't seem to understand is that a GOOD hug can fix almost ANY situation! I'm serious, almost ANY situation. A great hug can start someone's day off right, can change someone's day, or just make someone smile.

I have lots of favorite hugs ... the Taylor hug is the best, especially when she gets a running start! Any hug from my mommy or daddy is great and can make most situations better. I have the greatest friends and they give great hugs. But, topping the list of my favorite hugs is the hug from someone who is 6'6" (or taller) and (somewhat) muscular. I haven't had one in quite some time but from memory, they make me feel safe, loved, and warm.

Smooches,
Stacy

When is enough enough?!

At what point do you stop fighting for a friendship?

It's one thing to fall out of touch with someone, it's another to actively END a friendship. Growing up can eventually lead to friendships ending but when I'm actively working at a friendship and it STILL fails?! THAT drives me crazy! I've lost 2 friends over the past few months and it breaks my heart because I honestly thought we would be friends for LIFE. Both of those people were people I could confide in, people that I trusted, and people that knew me better than I knew myself. And now they are gone.

This sounds crazy but I already put in the effort to build these friendships and frankly, I don't want to do it again! Those friendships will never be duplicated, I know, but I feel like a little piece of me is missing. And I want that piece back damnit!!!

And I couldn't have such a problem with it if I was forming great new relationships but this is just adding to the trust issues that I apparently have. I've met a lot of great people in Atlanta and am having trouble really connecting with them because of this other bs. I'm afraid of what it will mean that those friendships are gone. It's great to make new friends and change but I'm afraid of what leaving that self of mine behind.

That's the one side of the coin. The other side can be described by a few quotes "You can't fight with someone who doesn't want to get in the ring with you" and "why fight for someone who wouldn't fight for you" and "the worst feeling isn't being lonely, it's being forgotten by someone you would never forget".

It's so true ... why fight to keep someone in your life when they obviously don't want to be in it. A great friend told me once "who wouldn't want to be friends with you?" and DUH, I know that! What I don't get is why instead of focusing on the people who WANT to be in my life, I focus on the peeps who have proven time and time again that they want out. They don't put in the effort and frankly I can only take so much of "I want to but..." - if you really wanted to, you'd find a way. I know this is true because when I want something to happen, I make it happen!

It's really a blow to my ego and being the LEO that I am, that's hard for me to deal with. I really need to work on that ... anyone have any non-medicated, cheap ways to do that?! :)

Marriage and Babies ...

I joined the Facebook group "Everyone I know is getting married or pregnant, I'm just getting drunk!" because it's mostly true. Everyone I know IS getting married or preggers (or both!) but I'm not just getting drunk! :)

I go back and forth on how I feel about this situation. I don't have a significant other so I'm obviously not getting married or preggers but the real question is, do I want to?!? I KNOW I am not ready for a baby, although I love to borrow them from time to time :) but I think I'm ready for the committed relationship, even if it's not marriage. I love the single life but I'm not so much for the dating scene. It absolutely, positively SUCKS!!! They don't teach you in college how to meet people after you spend 24 years of your life being told how to socialize! And I'm a very competitive person and the dating scene is just a huge competition. So far, 26 (almost 27) years in, I am losing. And I freaking HATE IT!! I'm over the dating scene, but am a fan of the relationship scene. How do I bridge the gap?!

....... no that's really a question I'm going to need you to answer. Hit me up in my comments :)

My Personal Ad

So I was chatting with a good friend today and it got me thinking ... I am a GREAT gal. And then I wondered what my personal ad would look like. Here ya go!!

Single, African American female, 27 years old, seeks boo (also known as beau).

I like my turkey with a side of the Cowboys losing and the Lions trying to play football. The most important holiday in February is the Super Bowl. My favorite color is blue but I bleed green from August to February and blue from April to November! I enjoy cooking, music, movies, and working out. I like to go out but prefer a sports bar to a dance party but trust me, I will bust a move if the right song comes on!

I have a job and pay my own bills. I belong to a book club, have a great group of friends, like to travel, and have my own hobbies so you should as well. I like to cuddle and enjoy some clearance action every so often, just like the next girl ;)

Looking for an employed, self-sufficient man to spend time and have fun with. If you're interested in being joined at the hip, please don't apply (no offense). Liking sports is not a must but who doesn't love sports?!?! And if you're not an Eagles, Yankees, or Syracuse fan - please be prepared for numerous heated debates! You don't have to like my cooking, but you will!!!

Minor Breakdown ... Major Meltdown

I had a minor, itty, bitty meltdown last week that escalated into a MAJOR meltdown :(

I was coming home from the gym and had a thought: "what if this is it? what if THIS is my life?! Babies R Us, gym, then home alone ... that's so depressing!" And that's when I lost it ... just could NOT stop crying and freaking out that this was what my life was going to boil down to. I honestly hadn't been that sad and depressed in years ... it scared me how easy it was for me to fall back into that depressive state.

I went to work the next day and it just ate at me. It REALLY got bad when I realized that most of the clowns I work with make more money than me and do FAR less. Then I hit rock bottom when I realized that I can't even pay my bills without help from my parents. Yes, I am so thankful to have them to lean on but at the age of almost 27, with 2 degrees and a plethora of experience and a SPARKLING personality, I was hoping to have a stable job (that I kinda sorta liked), along with a fantastic social life, my own house (or saved up just about enough for a down payment) and a super sweet boyfriend (but that one is definitely one that could wait!). So, for the next couple of days I was in what felt like a meltdown. I felt like everything that I had worked so hard for was slipping through my fingers. And fast.

It's hard ... it's a daily struggle. It's hard to keep my head up and think "this is only temporary." But, what pulled me up and keeps me going is my family. And my friends ... old and new, near and far. And God ... God actually comes first. He's super awesome and loves ME!!! My family is my great support system and my TRUE friends are there when I need them.

I got off track - I was on an entirely different highway!!! But I'm back on track and just need a little bit of focus in my life. That focus comes from:
- applying for 2 jobs EVERY day (Mon-Sat)
- exercising 4x a week
- making time for friends and social activities
- NOT over working myself about things I can't control (ie BRU)

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASEEEEEE hold me responsible. I need my support system to do just a little bit more to help me get to the next stage. I love my family and friends and am just waiting to love my job ... so I can buy a house I love and find a man to love :)

Smooches,
S

I love God ... He is so super amazing!

So I’ve been struggling with 2 things lately – the loss of a few friendships and my lack current full-time employment opportunities in my chosen field. I’ve had a rough go at it the past few months, not hearing from 2 very VERY important people to me for months at a time. Yep, friendship is a 2-way street but how long can I walk down my side before I run out of street? I can’t do it all on my own.

I get it; I understand that friendships change – who remembers the song from Girl Scouts “Make new friends, keep the old …”?! – I just don’t get things changing so drastically, so quickly, without reason. Going off to college can cause high school friendships to change and end; I was lucky that my bestests from high school still remain some of my bestests today. Graduating and having to “grow up” can cause friendships to change and end; I was still fairly lucky in that most of my closest friends in college have remained so (Facebook also helps a LOT with that!). What I’m struggling with is the lack of change that is effectively ENDING friendships that I have.

I got into it with a friend I have felt slipping away for quite some time this weekend and demanded the truth about the situation. We’ve been going at it for a few weeks now and not getting anywhere (well it’s more like chat on one day then nothing for 2 weeks). We started again on Thursday and continued into Friday where it reached a head. I asked for, what I thought was reasonable, the truth to WHY our friendship was not worth trying to save. Before I got the response, I read my horoscope for the next day (well that day actually – Saturday) and it hit me: we’re not supposed to be friends. I don’t remember exactly what the horoscope said but it was along the lines of “people change, relationships change, don’t try to keep things the same” – I think.

For whatever reason, this person was brought into my life at the right time but was only supposed to be there for a finite period of time. And by me trying to hold on to it/them, I was missing out on lots of things. My realization was reinforced when I received the response in the morning – more of the same from the past few weeks - it’s over; time to move on. I replay the conversation in my head and realize it’s been over for quite some time now. I love this person; I’m pretty sure I will ALWAYS love this person. As much as we’ve been through (and it has been a lot), I don’t think there’s ANYTHING that will make me not love them (and trust me, I’ve tried!).

I’m not entirely sure what role this person played in my life yet but if it is what I think it is, I am eternally grateful. It’s something that I could never repay and I don’t think I would be the person that I am today. No, I KNOW I wouldn’t be the person that I am today!

I love my church – quick subject change I know, but it’s related, I promise! I attend Impact Church in Atlanta and LOVE it. I have been attending since I came down in July and my cousin Debbie DEMANDED that I go to church with her. From that week on, I have felt that Olu, Edwin, and all of the preachers have been speaking to ME. And today was no different.

Today was all about focusing on the bigger picture; God has a plan for each and every one of us. He brings people into your life that you need when you need them. HE decides if they need to stay and HE decides if they need to get to steppin. He has a master plan for me and when I try to hang on to things that don’t belong in my life anymore I’m messing with HIS plan. So, I’m letting go, and letting God.

The bigger picture from today’s sermon was about haters … we all have those people in our life who just HAVE to bring you down. Whether it’s shooting down your dreams, trying to bring you down to their level, whatever – they are there! And, guess what? They aren’t going ANYWHERE! What you (and I) need to do is stop worrying about the haters and focus on God’s plan.

There was a reason I was laid off and haven’t been able to find full time work in my field since then – and it has NOTHING to do with the economy. I have no clue what that reason is but when God’s ready for me to know, I know I will be ready to listen, which brings me to my work situation. There are a few people at work who are just plain haters; there is no rhyme or reason, they just go around on a daily basis HATING, they are pretty much equal opportunity haters. And they make me sick.

But after listening to today’s sermon, I’m over them. They are trying to take my focus away from my job search, doing a good job, and seeing new opportunities, and lately, I’ve been letting them. Not anymore! I am letting go … I know what they are TRYING to do but I have God on my side! And with God, comes a plan - a plan that is bigger than them, bigger than me!

I can’t control what they do or what they believe in, I can only control me. I am going to focus on my goal and I believe in God. That is ALL I need to know. Olu challenged us this week … said it would be one of the hardest things we’d have to do. Let. It. Go. Let it go … sounds easy, right? It’s not but I’m going to try.

It’s gonna be a hard week (they say the first week is the hardest, right?!) but I have to remember 3 things:
• God has a plan for me – a GREAT plan! I don’t know what it is, but He’s got it. I believe in Him so I’m good to go!
• God brought me to it; He will bring me through it.
• God gave it to me once; He’ll give it to me again.

Next installment will include an update of my new decade resolutions (which won’t be very long since I’ve done NOTHING as of yet!) ….

Smooches,
S

PS I think I need a bible study … anyone got any ideas for finding one in the area? I would prefer younger people …

Fabulousness!

Okay so there are sooooooo many fabulous people and things in my life that I decided to share (since I share all the crappy stuff)...

My family is great - they are seriously the best people in my life. Don't get me wrong, they drive me freaking crazy on a DAILY basis but when it comes down to it, they are there for me. Through thick and thin, good times, bad times, always!
*My mom always takes the time to look over my cover letters and resume. She was even super duper sick and took the time to make sense of my insurance options at my craptastic job :)
*My dad is always checking my bank accounts to make sure I'm not overdrawn and when I am, gives me a lil to cover until my previously mentioned craptastic job pays me the craptastic hourly wage.
*My sisters have comforting words for me, reaffirming how much they believe in me (most of the time).
*My aunt sends me jobs all the time, reviews my resume, and talks my ear off about how my next job is right around the corner.
*My cousins ... well they love me unconditionally and always have some smart ass comment to get me to crack a smile. And give me great reasons to spend my last dime on a crazy weekend!
*And my grandparents, well they are amazing in their old age and I would loveeee to be that great when I'm that age :)

OMG and can I tell you about my friends?!?! Most of them live nowhere NEAR close to me yet still manage to bring a smile to my face. The ones that I get to see here in Atlanta, no matter how few they are, are usually good for a laugh, and a good pencil fight! Some of my recent favs:
*Lovebug's text message about Cuse
*Brooke knowing how much I love Cuse and sending me updates when I had to work during the game
*Random texts and facebook notes
*Long conversations about nothing with Flynn ... especially her listening to me talk about the same damn thing, giving me the same damn advice, and only once a conversation telling me how right she always is
*Phone dates with Heather- catching up on life, planning reunion trips, and reminiscing about old times.
*The fact that Brooke knows exactly how I feel ... and commiserating with her about the world sucking!
*Roz's sarcasm and knowledge of football ... which is more than most dudes on NBC, ESPN, FOX, and CBS. And most NFL coaches. It's a shame the Bills didn't hire her!
*Diana's "jajaja"-ing alll the freaking time.
*The FUN people at my craptastic job who make it bearable when they are there ... and for allowing me to complain when I'm there and they aren't!
*And of course, my great friends from high school who I don't get to talk to (or see!) as often as I would prefer but are always good for a vote of confidence or offer to kill someone for me :)
And I def have NOT forgotten all my other friends (who I didn't name), but who are there for me with a funny comment, story, ear to listen, etc ... I freaking love you!!! And you should know that when I'm complaining about life and how I hate it: you get me through those days.

So, thank you!!! THANK you!!! THANK YOUUUUU!!!!! Please continue to be my amazing graces and believing in me, and loving me.

How's that for happy!?!!?
Smooches,
S

I've gone blind

Why can’t I see what’s in front of me? Why can’t I see that there are some things that are just NOT worth saving? In some ways, I’m a hoarder. I have a lot of shit … physical, emotional, technical – lots and lots of things that I just don’t really have a need for anymore.

The one thing that I can’t seem to get rid of that bothers me is the dead weight of friendships that are dead. Old magazines, shoes, purses, bank statements take up physical space; for me, this is not a problem right now. I have a cousin-sister and parents who love keeping all my crap in their garage and basement and “my” bedroom. What I don’t have the space for is emotions for friendships that can NOT be saved!

It happened after high school, after undergrad, and now it’s happening post-grad. I coped okay after high school, didn’t really LOSE friends, more of changing friendships. After undergrad, I didn’t really realize it was happening. I didn’t think they were lost so I didn’t do that much to keep them. I realize now I should have tried harder but ya live ya learn, right?!

This post-grad thing is what’s really getting me. These are people that I saw in my wedding, helping me raise my kids, planning “Ladies Only Trips” with, and growing old together. These are people who I thought would always play a big role in my life … we’ve been through a lot and now I don’t know anything about their lives. It makes me sad.

But it also pisses me off. It pisses me off because I feel like I held our relationship in higher regard than you. I feel like you don’t care enough to put in the time and energy to work on our friendship. And that’s the point that I stop caring, right? NOPE! I should but I guess I’m some sort of sentimentalist … ugh! I wish I could just stop remembering the fun times and move on. But for whatever reason, I can’t! My great friends who DO put in the work, tell me that these people don’t deserve me. And I know that, I really do. But, I get used to having people in my life and don’t want to let it go.

Yep, people change, life changes people and things can’t always stay the same. And I definitely hate change but this is more than change. This is excuses, this is laziness, this is LAME. There’s nothing really for me to do, other than move on I can’t help holding on. I know I’m holding on to memories and nothing concrete but I can’t help it. Mostly, I miss my friends. I miss our memories. I miss my dreams of creating more memories.

Death is not very becoming ...

I feel like I’m dying the slowest of deaths ... not physically, I'm in tip top shape. Not spiritually, because God is in my every day. I'm not sure WHAT kind of death I am experiencing right now but I hateeeee it!

Change is a part of life but there’s something to be said for changes for the worse. I feel like the best parts of me are dying. And there is one thing that is causing this slow death. Unfortunately I can’t name this one thing because of a paper I signed but I think the 3 people reading this can guess!

It was supposed to be a temporary position, a way for me to earn money while looking for my next calling. But my parents raised me to be ambitious; I’m a leader; I’m not the complacent type. And when the opportunity for a “raise” and “promotion” came, I jumped at the chance. What it turned out to be was a lot of extra aggravation and not a whole lot of compensation or anything else.

It’s changed who I am, who I want to be, and the kind of person I am. And I HATE it. I absolutely hate how I act, how I feel, and how I hate the majority of my days (because they are spent at this place). The people I work with, for the most part, are horrendous … they don’t know how to treat people, don’t know how to act, and are not the kind of people that I like to be around. The company is rather messed up in its way of doing things and treating people.

I get mad a lot lately. I did all the right things, I followed the rules so that I would NOT be in this situation. And the economy laughed at me and said “HAHA, I win!” I’m pretty much back where I started my “career” – in retail. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with working in retail but it’s not what I want to do with my life. My life is meant for event planning. My life is meant for sports marketing. My life is meant to be around people who love what they do.

This place and situation are killing me … and it’s the worst kind of death: slow. I’m dying a slow death and if I don’t get out soon, I will completely dead.

Show me ... SHOW ME!

*Actions speak louder than words* … such a cliché! But how true is it? People are all about words … “I love you”, “I promise I won’t let you down”, “We’ll always be friends”, “I’ll never lie to you” … the list goes on. And on and on and on! I’d much rather you show me … SHOW me you love me, always tell me the truth, always be my friend. Always … never … strong words right? I’m okay with that. I’m okay with being held to a higher standard. If me being a better person will help me get better out of people then HELL YES!

I try to hold myself to a high standard. Not high in the “I’m better than you” way but high in the fact that when I’m say I’m going to do something I do it. When I say, I’ll be there, I’ll be there. When I say I love you, I mean that I love you – all of you – the good – the bad – the ugly – the annoying. When I promise, I come through. If I can’t do something, I don’t say it.

And what I get back on a daily basis make me not believe in people … it makes me not trust me … and it makes me see the bad in people. I’ve become a jaded cynic. It pisses me off because I miss the person I used to be. I miss being happy and seeing the good in this world. But I can’t … all I see on a daily basis is distrust, dishonesty, and hatred.

But guess what … this is a growing stage for me. I don’t know a lot right now: I don’t know when I will get a real job. I don’t know when I’ll meet the man I’ll marry. I don’t know when I’ll have kids. Shoot, I don’t know when I will have my own place. But I do know this – I will make it through this shitty phase of my life. I will come through on the other side a better person. I am going to lean on my growing relationship with God, my family, and the few friends who have proved to be worthy.

So I leave you with this: whether you met me yesterday, 2 months ago, 5 years, 10 years, or have known me my whole life – I am going through some changes right now but they are making me a stronger person. When I come out on the other side I will be THAT much stronger, I will be THAT much more loving, and most of all, I will be myself with a little bit of life knowledge sprinkled in.